WHAT A SECURE DAD DOES! - VOL II ISSUE 7

What a Dad Does

This is the FIFTH installment of a series of What a Dad Does articles dealing with the “father who knew how to let go” taken from Luke 15:11-32. To read the first four in the series please go to What A Dad Does and read Volume II Issue 3, 4, 5 and 6 which deal with verses 11-24. Like all blogs, the articles are newest first (reverse order). We’ll pick up the story in verse 25.

"Now his older son was in the field, and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. And he summoned one of the servants and began inquiring what these things could be. And he said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has received him back safe and sound. But he became angry and was not willing to go in; and his father came out and began pleading with him. But he answered and said to his father, 'Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.' And he said to him, 'Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours.” Luke 11:25-31

Where was this son when his younger brother came home? Was he away on a long trip or tending the sheep on the “back forty”? We don’t know but we can ascertain from the story that when the younger brother came home he wasn’t around. After all once the younger brother came home it took a while to prepare the fattened calf and put on this magnificent party.

What was going on in the older son's mind?  Why was he so ambivalent toward his younger brother? Had there been an unforgiven offense prior to his leaving? This type of attitude doesn’t just come “out of the blue.” There must have been a history here, some unresolved conflicts. Who knows when love left the relationship between the brothers? A wise father must be constantly on the lookout for attitudes, conflicts, broken relationships. It’s part of your job, dad. Although we didn’t always do it perfectly, in our home we strove to abide by Ephesians 4: 26, to not “let the sun go down on your anger.” In other words: do everything you can, dad, to help everyone in the family resolve conflicts as soon as you hear about it. Make sure everyone actually and genuinely asks forgiveness and doesn’t just say, “I’m sorry.” This includes you! Be the first to humble yourself. If you do, God will certainly give you more grace (James 4:6); that is the desire and the power to be all that He wants you to be.

Why wasn’t he looking for the brother’s return like his father? Isn’t it obvious that he was all wrapped up in himself? He was jealous; there was a fear of being displaced by his younger rebellious brother. He was too busy thinking how he could get it all; how he could make sure his brother wouldn’t get a thing. In short, he was bitter and selfish. After all he had been “forced” to work the farm by himself. His brother had abandoned the family. Maybe he only stayed home only out of obligation. Perhaps he too had wanted to leave but felt trapped -- that he couldn’t leave or else his father would be left alone to work the farm. After all, he was the first-born son. He had to stay.

Had the father failed to teach some important lessons to this older son? I know I’m treading on thin ice here, since most Bible scholars teach that the Father is God and we are the rebellious sons. But looking at this story from the perspective of a human father, maybe there were some things he could have or should have done differently with this son. He let go of the younger son full of faith but should he have encouraged the older son to leave, to go test his wings, in faith? Surely this wasn’t the first time that the older son showed his “true colors.” Dad, do you have a fully compliant child but notice that there are underlying “attitudes” from time to time? Don’t just fawn over the obedient child. Make sure you know his/her heart. Make sure you get to know his/her attitudes and motives.

I’m not saying that we are not responsible for our own words, thoughts, actions attitudes and motives. Both sons had to take personal responsibility for themselves. Isn’t it clear that the older son was guilty of pride, self-pity, anger, jealously, selfishness and temporal values?  Were not these the same sins the younger wayward son had to face up to? The older son may have stayed home and been the model prodigy but on the inside his heart was as black as his brother’s. Dad, you have to look beyond mere actions and words.

Is there significance to music playing? Music is a sign of celebration. Music was often used to praise God and celebrate victory. Some examples in Scripture include Deborah, Merriam, David and the Psalms.

Who would have been dancing?  How do you hear dancing? This must have been a pretty raucous party. 

What was reported to the older son about the father? Dad is gushing over his returning son.

Should the father have told him why they had to celebrate, before the party began? I don’t know the answer here but my kids have often commented that they were more willing to obey when I explained why we needed to do something; when I kept them informed. I remember, years ago, when I had been “let go” from a company, I shared with the children what had happened and why, including my own failures. Conventional thinking is to keep some information like, “where are we going to get the next meal and how are we going to pay the mortgage?” from the kids; to not cause them undue fear. But I didn’t take that path; I shared with them the gory details. It caused us to pull together as a family. They prayed like warriors and their faith grew right along with their parents.  Dad, don’t be afraid the share your struggles, difficulties or plans with your kids. It will help them grow in faith. Someday in the not too distant future you will want them to be able to stand in the face of trials. And it could help them to overcome their own demons.

Were there different attitudes or generosities toward this son? Yes, the law was that he was to get twice as much as his brother. 

Was the father consistent with both boys? Is it right to treat all your children the “same”?  This is a dangerous credo.  We should have consistency in attitude, motive, and grace but not actions or words.  God doesn’t treat all of His children the same or even treat me the same all the time.  Hebrews 12 explains how God disciplines like a parent; which must be customized by the need of the moment. Romans 9 explains how God has created some vessels (people) for honor and some for dishonor. And I Cor 12 elaborates how God gives various gifts to each of us. Not all are treated the same. If treating all your children the same is your philosophy, maybe you ought to rethink it.

Dad, don’t be fooled by the son or daughter who “stays at home” and appears to do everything you ask and everything right. (It doesn’t necessarily have to be the first born, either). He or she probably has the same stinking rotten values and attitudes under the surface as your more rebellious kid(s). After all we are all ‘sons’ of Adam. You must be on the alert and gently encourage that one to leave at the proper time. I’m not saying kick them out, but isn’t it God’s plan for our kids to eventually leave and be their own persons? We hear all the time about how more adult children are living at home and failing to start their own families. We must do all we can with grace to prepare them to go out into the world to accomplish His purposes; to stand on their own two feet; to be independent (of us) without an independent spirit.

THIS IS WHAT A SECURE DAD DOES!

Find previous installments go to:  http://whatadaddoes.blogspot.com   

A while back a friend's wife asked me to prepare some "daily devotional" cards for his Christmas present.  She combined my ramblings with cards from other folks and herself regarding fatherhood & manhood for him to read at work each day.  It was a great way to communicate a special encouragement from the Lord to a loved one on a daily basis.  Since I prepared those few 'thoughts' the Lord has continued to encourage me through my daily Bible reading with many other rhemas (revelations) on this subject.  As I began to prepare those cards for her, the first verse that 'jumped off the page at me" was I Thessalonians 2:10-12 (below).  In my heart I heard the words "this is what a DAD does".  I've continued to look for these nuggets for the few years. My desire is that you continue to grow in your faith and become a master disciple maker, especially of your children.  I realize that some of you aren't dads (yet) but someday you probably will be.  Get ready now; you will be a much more successful father. 

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WHAT AN OPEN-DOOR DAD DOES - VOL II ISSUE 4

WHAT A DAD DOES                                                                                          

This is the second installment of a series of WADD articles dealing with the “father who knew how to let go” taken from Luke 15:11-32.  To read the first in the series please go to www.whatadaddoes.blogspot.com and read Volume II Issue 3 which deals with verses 11-12.  We’ll pick up the story in verse 13. 

13 Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. 14 And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. 16 And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.
17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.”’ 20 And he arose and came to his father.  (Luke 15:13-20 ESV)

At this point we encounter the young man out in the world spending like there is no tomorrow and following his every lust. From our vantage point of hindsight bias he is acting very foolishly.  But when you are the one pursuing everything the world has to offer somehow it doesn’t seem so foolish.   

All of us dads can learn from the prodigal son's dad -- "the father who knew how to let go:"

First and foremost, notice that the father didn’t send out a private investigator or the FBI (Family Bureau of Investigation).  As far as we know the father didn’t do anything to “check up on” his son.  He  didn’t turn his older brother (and for that matter, his mom, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) against him by having him spy on the wayward son.  It wasn’t that he wasn’t interested. Of course he was, but he had a quiet confidence and faith that God was at work and that when the son had “learned his lesson(s)” he would return.  By not checking up on him he communicated that his own security, value and self-image didn’t depend on the son’s obedience. 

Is his father still the authority in his life?  A lot has been said and written about when a father no longer has authority in a person’s life.  I don’t wish to debate that point here. I simply want to point out that deep down the son still wants to please or be in relationship his father. When everything has been stripped away, every person has the innate desire to be pleasing to his father.  This often drives him to look for that approval from others … trying to replace his father with some other man. Ultimately he deeply regrets the way he treated his father (like our protagonist).  When this happens, is the father approachable?  Does he have and “open door?"  The ‘father who knew how to let go’ did.  Like our heavenly father he didn’t pronounce judgment on the son but allowed time for repentance.  If you want to be the authority in your older children’s life, what are you doing to store up that equity?

What is the appeal of reckless living over being at home under his father’s authority?  The Bible says, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child” (Prov 22:15a). And “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it” (Jer 17:9).  Covetousness, which is forbidden by the tenth commandment (Ex 20:17) is desire to have the forbidden thing.  In other words, dad, it is ‘natural’, No matter how strict you are with the child, and no matter how much you protect him, he is going to want the forbidden thing.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do everything in your power to provide a godly upbringing.  But know this, desire is going to be present. The father who knows how to let go will ‘be there’ with open arms when the young person comes to his senses. 

What lessons had the son learned while away that he hadn't seemed to have learned from his father previously?  He remembered that his father had a kind heart … that his father was always a gracious provider … even to his servants.  The ‘lower’ he got in life, the more humble he became.  Humility always allows God to give us His grace (I Pet 5:5-6; II Tim 2:24-26….look these up and memorize them!)

Why hadn’t the father been able to teach him those lessons?  One of the most important skills a parent can learn is how to take advantage of a ‘teachable moment’.  You can shove a lot of information toward a child but only when they are ready to receive will they actually learn.  You can and should do all you can to teach them -- because the Bible commands it (Deut 6:6-9…WADD Vol I Issue 8). Look for those teachable moments or better yet, do everything you can to create teachable moments. And when they happen out of your control, be there to help pick up the pieces.

How long had the father been waiting? Actually we have no idea. It could have been months or years.  How long is long enough?  All I know is that it is probably longer than most of us are willing to wait. ”I want him to return on my time table”. My Mom became a whole-hearted Christian when I was 12 years old.  She waited 9 years for Dad to bow the knee to Jesus.  I’m sure she was discouraged many times and thought it would never happen.  But I’m so glad she didn’t go by her time table. She waited and in the “fullness of time” Dad was finally saved.  There is a man named Rom Houben who was in a coma for 23 years.  I’m sure those around his family tried many times to persuade them to give up but they didn’t and one day he finally woke up.  Do you have a son or daughter ‘in a far country’?  Are you willing to wait on God’s timing?   

What made him think that his father would receive him back? One of my sons, as an adult, told me that he was always willing to come back to our relationship because I tried to explain "the why" we did or didn’t do something -- not just the command, "you can’t," "you have to," or "because I said so."  Relationship is more important than making a son or daughter do something. Perhaps by your gracious, loving, and patient actions while they are younger they might not stray so far. But even if they do, your actions and reactions can’t depend on whether they do go forth and live recklessly.

Dad, are you abiding in our Father’s grace with your children -- young and old?  “Draw close to God and He will draw close to you” (James 4:8).

THIS IS WHAT AN OPEN-DOOR DAD DOES!